Motherhood: Breathing in the Simple

A recent trip to the beach with my little guy left my heart strings bursting with love.  Love for my growing baby boy, who amazes me each and every day with the new things he learns.  Love also for a new appreciation and understanding of the beauty in the simplest things in life.  Because, who are we kidding, life is a long string of simple pleasures over amplified in our memory boxes.  And this first year of being a mother has taught me the immense joy that comes with reveling in the smallest of pleasures.  Daily life with a small child can seem chaotic and crazy.  But what I have found to be most true is that the moments slow down, allowing you to really take things in if you let it: breathing in the simple.  Babies don't want you to buy them the most expensive toy, they just want your time.  Sitting down on the grass with Maverick at the park, walking with him as he explores the neighborhood, listening to music together in the mornings-these are the simple things that get the biggest smiles and allow you to slow down your days a bit, making you better able to take in the now.

Motherhood is mirror into your soul, making you feel so vulnerable and naked.  It really exposes your strengths and weaknesses.  I have learned that I actually like to be going-going all of the time and have to be doing "something."  I never really thought of myself as that type of person before having Maverick.  Once I became a mom, my life slowed down.  Bam!  It hit me hard.  I was not used to it at all.  I clumsily navigated through the first months in a haze of disbelief: so much time on my hands to simply love on this tiny little being that my husband and I created?  Yes!  And, I slowly started realizing that I did not need to be doing something all of the time.  Managing to get one thing done was a miracle and I finally started accepting this as reality.  I learned to really enjoy my son and enjoy being a mom.  It's a very simple realization really, but a tough lesson for me nonetheless.

Now that Maverick is an on-the-go one year old, I am falling in love with watching him explore the world around him.  It is the best feeling to see his eyes and facial expressions when he figures out something new-lightbulbs hovering over his little head!  Now, I absolutely cherish the slower moments of the day when we simply are-two people exploring the beach and the sand together, driftwood treasures and fat toes in the cool water.  So one of the biggest things I have learned this past year as a new mom: be present and slow down, because seeing the world through the eyes of my son is what being a great mom is all about.

xo, B

Motherhood: Having an Only Child?

It seems that once you have a child, all you can do is dream about them day and night.  You are overflowing with boundless love for them, bringing out your phone to share photos any chance you get.  Talking with complete strangers about all of the awesome things they are doing.  Relishing in their soft breathing as you tuck them in at night.  Closing your eyes tightly, trying so hard to imprint all of these precious moments in your brain forever, so afraid they will slip through your fingers.  It's a very wonderful, exhausting and strange thing-this new love I have for my small baby creature child.  It's all I can do to hold it together, my heart constantly on fire about to explode.

This is why, when I get the familiar question (familiar lately, at least) "Are you going to have another baby?" I nervously smile and shudder a bit inside.  The question elicits so many emotions for me, none of which I am ready to face only nine months post-partum.  Sure, it has been a long nine months...but, it is truly a short time in the overall scheme of things.  The thought of pregnancy (which, I did love!), birth and caring for another tiny, helpless babe makes my head ache!  Makes my insides somersault with fear, anxiety and utter exhaustion.  Maybe I am just weird.  Maybe I am the only one who feels this way?  Am I?  Am I crazy?

I love my little one so much.  I am a first time mama, and so I feel an over-kill sensation to do the best I can for him.  I want to, simply, give my child the most that I can give.  And, I am not sure my abilities are up to par as a mother to do this and have another child.  Quite frankly, it scares the crap out of me to even think about having another baby (especially anytime soon!).  I struggle inside with feeling this way: is it because it's way too soon to be thinking of another baby & that's why I am quick to say no way?  Are my hormones still all wonky?  Am I being selfish?  Do I have to have another baby?  What will people think?  Is having an only child a bad thing?  The over-analyization goes on and on.

My argument is this: there is no rule book that says all people must have more than one child.  And, if I change my mind, we can try for another one.  I am still pretty young-ish, right!  I also keep telling myself that I have no reason to feel bad or guilty about this decision.  It's what feels right for me and my little family at the moment.  And, I support those families that have lots of children!  I just do not want to juggle a toddler and a baby-not sure if I can (I'm sure I could if I had to and those mom's who do it are beyond amazing in my book!).  I mean, I can barely remember to eat lunch or go the bathroom most days!  I am craving sanity and taking deep breaths and caring for myself and loving on my only-child baby right now.  That is enough.

I can't bring myself to look too far ahead right now.  I can only take one day at a time.  One step at a time, really.  Right now I am content to devote all the love I have in my heart to my only son.  It feels good to watch him grow and I am so excited for what each month holds.  If there is another baby in our future (way in the future, thank you) I hope I will be ready and I know I will have a whole new set of fresh love to give.  After I catch up on my sleep for a few years.  Just saying.

What are your honest thought on this subject?  Are you ready for another baby?  Are you planning for one?  Am I crazy?

xo, B

Motherhood: Stay At Home Mama's

I have been fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with Maverick, at least for these first 8 months of his life.  That's huge, especially considering that most working moms have to go back to work around 3 or 4 months post-partum.  So, yes I am totally grateful!

That being said, it has not been an easy transition.  The choice to be a stay at home mom happened by accident and was not planned.  After my vintage shop closed in October of 2011, I had no clue what I was going to do.  I felt more out of place in the "work" world because I was about 3 months away from giving birth.  Finding a job on the cusp of having a baby was impossible.  So, stay at home I did.  After Mav came, I continued to stay with him.  I had no job to go back to and I wasn't sure if I could go back to selling vintage.  I wasn't sure if I could handle being a mama and a business owner.  The juggle scared me senseless.  Not having a place to go back to work after having a baby also scared me & I felt the most terrified, worried and out of place I have ever felt in my life.

I never envisioned myself in this role.  And the biggest challenge has been the financial burden of a single income.  The Hubs and I have made some major sacrifices and pinch many a penny on a daily basis.  He works an extra job as the Master Bicycle Mechanic/teacher for a local non-profit to earn extra income for us.  He works damn hard and I am eternally grateful for him!  But I feel constantly stressed about money (or lack thereof) and have not been able to truly relax in a long time.  I am also a pretty big worrier in general, so having a baby and not working has been a huge change that I am still trying to acclimate to.

I think about all the moms out there who have to make the tough choice between staying home (and losing income) or going back to work.  I was sorta thrown into my choice, which in a sense has made it tougher.  I have grappled for months with what my place is, trying not to lose a sense of myself as I am fully immersed in mothering my baby 24/7 from home.  Trying to hold stimulating conversation with other people while my mind just wants to shut down after a day of running after a crawling baby.  And always dreading this question from people: So, what are you doing now?  I always say that I am mothering!  I have learned just how valuable a mother is, how hard she works every day and how special her loving care is to her family.

I am so happy that I have had this time with Maverick, but part of me really wants to go back to some type of working situation.  I know it will be challenging and I am sure I will miss being at home with him more than I think I will.  But I wonder, maybe I am the type of person (type of woman/mother) who does better for herself and therefore her child, when she finds accomplishment & purpose in being challenged and stimulated by other people outside the home?  I have struggled with this question a lot lately.  I truly believe that some moms are made to be stay-at-home mama's and they work so hard!  Harder than most people even realize.  However, I think there are also women who crave some type of work outside the home and thrive off of that too.  And for those women, maybe it has been a difficult pursuit to shape themselves into their ideal SAHM.  And, it's ok to be the other woman.  The other mama, who enjoys going to work full or part time.

Often times, I feel like there is an unspoken stigma about working mothers...we talk about them in hushed tones behind their backs, about how much they miss out & how they have chosen work (god forbid!) over their children and the juggle is impossible.  We also do the same thing with stay-at-home moms, whispering about how all she does is stay home all day and has no life outside her child!  We seem to never be balanced enough for people or ourselves!  We torture ourselves inside, agonizing over whether it's better to stay home with our children or go to work...and it never ends.  No one way is perfect or the "correct" choice.  Each mother has to make the choice that works for her family (and, lots of moms simply don't have a choice-they must work!).

My decision to go back to work is mostly out of necessity but a part of me sorta kinda wants to go back to work.  It won't be easy, I am sure of it and if in the future my family had a wonderful opportunity that afforded me the chance to stay home with Mav again-yes, I would do it in a heartbeat!  Right now I am just trying to talk myself out of the guilt I feel for kinda wanting to go back to work, for desiring more adult interaction and a new daily rhythm.  I think it's ok to admit feeling stifled, lonely and bored as a stay-at-home mama!  It's not easy and feeling this way does not diminish the love you have for your baby by any means!  I love my Mister Boy more than I could ever explain.  I have been so lucky to watch him grow just a little more each day.

I may just be ready to add working mama to my list of things I do.  I am slowly becoming ok with the possibility of this change and trying not to feel too guilty about it.  Of course, I will worry.  And I will hold my baby extra long until the day comes that I go back to work.

♥

Any mom's out there, please share your thoughts on this subject...I completely respect and value working and stay-at-home moms and would love to hear how you balance it all!Any tips or advice welcome as well!  

Motherhood: The "G" Word

Confession: I have said things, done things and thought about doing things that I never thought I would as a new mom.  And, I know I am not the only one.  Nothing in line with extreme (and very real) post-partem depression thoughts and actions, more like ignoring a diaper change because I was too tired to wrestle Maverick at that moment or fake crying to get Mav to stop crying.  Just crazy little things.  When these thoughts or actions happen, the big "g" word creeps into my heart: Guilt!

All new moms and seasoned ones alike feel mama guilt at some point (or at many points along the mothering journey).  It's especially hard not to feel this way when we are constantly bombarded with daily judgements on our parenting style by strangers and family, are blasted with images and articles online and on television about our cultures obsession with perfection and overhear daily conversations by other moms about all of the amazing things their baby is doing that your baby isn't even trying yet.  Yikes, it can get very exhausting very quick!  Motherhood can be very isolating, especially if you are a stay at home mom.  With plenty of time to think, you find yourself analyzing every little thing you have done and wondering if it will adversely effect your child.  Will the screaming in the car seat make him more clingy as a toddler because I wasn't able to pick him up right away and comfort him?  Shouldn't he be sleeping through the night already like all the other 7 month olds?  Blah, blah, blah....

It was worse in the beginning, right after Maverick was born.  I constantly questioned everything and read everything I could on babies so I could comfort myself.  Well, all the reading and research was actually the least comforting thing I did!  It made it worse.  I felt like I was under a huge magnifying glass; all eyes were on me as a new mom to this precious little human.  Family and friends meant well with advice, but it always left me feeling empty, nervous and more confused.  I finally decided to ditch all the books and rely on my instincts (what a concept!).  I figured, I relied heavily on my body knowing what to do during labor, giving in to my animal side and just letting the pain guide me.  Why was it that I couldn't do the same with my parenting?  It made sense to just let each day guide me, stop forcing things and trust in my knowledge of my baby.

Just the other day I was chastising myself for not making more baby food for Maverick.  I was feeding him one of his Plum Organics foods and telling myself, this is good but it's not homemade & fresh and I  want the best for him, etc.  Then, it hit me, the guilt.  I shook my head in disbelief at myself!  Really Benicia!  Maverick's whole life will not be ruined because you didn't have the time to make all of his food.  And, those Plum Organics are pretty darn tasty.  Get over yourself!  That mom guilt sure is sneaky, creeping up on you when you least expect it or need it.  Mav's dirty feet from crawling all over the floor?  Mom guilt.  Forgot the sunscreen on our walk?  Mom guilt.  Prayed to baby jesus that Mav would take a 2 hour nap so I could have some "me" time?  Um, yep Mom guilt!  We all feel this way sometimes and it is very challenging to shake out of it.  One thing that helps me is laughing at my craziness.  Humor is a cure all and being with your baby should be fun, not all guilt ridden and serious all the time!  So, try to shake it off, learn from your mistakes for next time (no one is keeping a star chart with your name on it, right?!!) and move on.  

I have come a long way.  I still have a long way to go, but I am feeling more and more confident in raising my baby boy.  Giving yourself time to get in a rhythm is crucial.  All great things take time and all great things take tweaking as time goes on; adjusting things here and there as people and seasons change.  The guilt will always be there, but I really believe that us mama's need to do our best to support each other and try our damnedest to erase some of the guilt out of our heads.  We will make so many mistakes.  It's guaranteed.  No questions about it.  But, we need to be tender, forgiving and loving towards ourselves.  We are only human.  We are learning.  Our babies are learning.  And like I have said before, motherhood is a huge transformation so it's important to be kind to ourselves.  That's why talking about this with other moms is crucial.  Too often I see mom's running & hiding (I've done it too), too afraid to sit with other mom's & reveal that they are not perfect.  Instead of comparing notes on our beautiful babes, we need to gently encourage and support each other-mistakes and all.  Oh, and yes, our babies are wonderful too!  I am making a promise to be kind, patient and loving to myself as I navigate the choppy waves of motherhood.