Motherhood: The "G" Word

Confession: I have said things, done things and thought about doing things that I never thought I would as a new mom.  And, I know I am not the only one.  Nothing in line with extreme (and very real) post-partem depression thoughts and actions, more like ignoring a diaper change because I was too tired to wrestle Maverick at that moment or fake crying to get Mav to stop crying.  Just crazy little things.  When these thoughts or actions happen, the big "g" word creeps into my heart: Guilt!

All new moms and seasoned ones alike feel mama guilt at some point (or at many points along the mothering journey).  It's especially hard not to feel this way when we are constantly bombarded with daily judgements on our parenting style by strangers and family, are blasted with images and articles online and on television about our cultures obsession with perfection and overhear daily conversations by other moms about all of the amazing things their baby is doing that your baby isn't even trying yet.  Yikes, it can get very exhausting very quick!  Motherhood can be very isolating, especially if you are a stay at home mom.  With plenty of time to think, you find yourself analyzing every little thing you have done and wondering if it will adversely effect your child.  Will the screaming in the car seat make him more clingy as a toddler because I wasn't able to pick him up right away and comfort him?  Shouldn't he be sleeping through the night already like all the other 7 month olds?  Blah, blah, blah....

It was worse in the beginning, right after Maverick was born.  I constantly questioned everything and read everything I could on babies so I could comfort myself.  Well, all the reading and research was actually the least comforting thing I did!  It made it worse.  I felt like I was under a huge magnifying glass; all eyes were on me as a new mom to this precious little human.  Family and friends meant well with advice, but it always left me feeling empty, nervous and more confused.  I finally decided to ditch all the books and rely on my instincts (what a concept!).  I figured, I relied heavily on my body knowing what to do during labor, giving in to my animal side and just letting the pain guide me.  Why was it that I couldn't do the same with my parenting?  It made sense to just let each day guide me, stop forcing things and trust in my knowledge of my baby.

Just the other day I was chastising myself for not making more baby food for Maverick.  I was feeding him one of his Plum Organics foods and telling myself, this is good but it's not homemade & fresh and I  want the best for him, etc.  Then, it hit me, the guilt.  I shook my head in disbelief at myself!  Really Benicia!  Maverick's whole life will not be ruined because you didn't have the time to make all of his food.  And, those Plum Organics are pretty darn tasty.  Get over yourself!  That mom guilt sure is sneaky, creeping up on you when you least expect it or need it.  Mav's dirty feet from crawling all over the floor?  Mom guilt.  Forgot the sunscreen on our walk?  Mom guilt.  Prayed to baby jesus that Mav would take a 2 hour nap so I could have some "me" time?  Um, yep Mom guilt!  We all feel this way sometimes and it is very challenging to shake out of it.  One thing that helps me is laughing at my craziness.  Humor is a cure all and being with your baby should be fun, not all guilt ridden and serious all the time!  So, try to shake it off, learn from your mistakes for next time (no one is keeping a star chart with your name on it, right?!!) and move on.  

I have come a long way.  I still have a long way to go, but I am feeling more and more confident in raising my baby boy.  Giving yourself time to get in a rhythm is crucial.  All great things take time and all great things take tweaking as time goes on; adjusting things here and there as people and seasons change.  The guilt will always be there, but I really believe that us mama's need to do our best to support each other and try our damnedest to erase some of the guilt out of our heads.  We will make so many mistakes.  It's guaranteed.  No questions about it.  But, we need to be tender, forgiving and loving towards ourselves.  We are only human.  We are learning.  Our babies are learning.  And like I have said before, motherhood is a huge transformation so it's important to be kind to ourselves.  That's why talking about this with other moms is crucial.  Too often I see mom's running & hiding (I've done it too), too afraid to sit with other mom's & reveal that they are not perfect.  Instead of comparing notes on our beautiful babes, we need to gently encourage and support each other-mistakes and all.  Oh, and yes, our babies are wonderful too!  I am making a promise to be kind, patient and loving to myself as I navigate the choppy waves of motherhood.