Motherhood: Stay At Home Mama's

I have been fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with Maverick, at least for these first 8 months of his life.  That's huge, especially considering that most working moms have to go back to work around 3 or 4 months post-partum.  So, yes I am totally grateful!

That being said, it has not been an easy transition.  The choice to be a stay at home mom happened by accident and was not planned.  After my vintage shop closed in October of 2011, I had no clue what I was going to do.  I felt more out of place in the "work" world because I was about 3 months away from giving birth.  Finding a job on the cusp of having a baby was impossible.  So, stay at home I did.  After Mav came, I continued to stay with him.  I had no job to go back to and I wasn't sure if I could go back to selling vintage.  I wasn't sure if I could handle being a mama and a business owner.  The juggle scared me senseless.  Not having a place to go back to work after having a baby also scared me & I felt the most terrified, worried and out of place I have ever felt in my life.

I never envisioned myself in this role.  And the biggest challenge has been the financial burden of a single income.  The Hubs and I have made some major sacrifices and pinch many a penny on a daily basis.  He works an extra job as the Master Bicycle Mechanic/teacher for a local non-profit to earn extra income for us.  He works damn hard and I am eternally grateful for him!  But I feel constantly stressed about money (or lack thereof) and have not been able to truly relax in a long time.  I am also a pretty big worrier in general, so having a baby and not working has been a huge change that I am still trying to acclimate to.

I think about all the moms out there who have to make the tough choice between staying home (and losing income) or going back to work.  I was sorta thrown into my choice, which in a sense has made it tougher.  I have grappled for months with what my place is, trying not to lose a sense of myself as I am fully immersed in mothering my baby 24/7 from home.  Trying to hold stimulating conversation with other people while my mind just wants to shut down after a day of running after a crawling baby.  And always dreading this question from people: So, what are you doing now?  I always say that I am mothering!  I have learned just how valuable a mother is, how hard she works every day and how special her loving care is to her family.

I am so happy that I have had this time with Maverick, but part of me really wants to go back to some type of working situation.  I know it will be challenging and I am sure I will miss being at home with him more than I think I will.  But I wonder, maybe I am the type of person (type of woman/mother) who does better for herself and therefore her child, when she finds accomplishment & purpose in being challenged and stimulated by other people outside the home?  I have struggled with this question a lot lately.  I truly believe that some moms are made to be stay-at-home mama's and they work so hard!  Harder than most people even realize.  However, I think there are also women who crave some type of work outside the home and thrive off of that too.  And for those women, maybe it has been a difficult pursuit to shape themselves into their ideal SAHM.  And, it's ok to be the other woman.  The other mama, who enjoys going to work full or part time.

Often times, I feel like there is an unspoken stigma about working mothers...we talk about them in hushed tones behind their backs, about how much they miss out & how they have chosen work (god forbid!) over their children and the juggle is impossible.  We also do the same thing with stay-at-home moms, whispering about how all she does is stay home all day and has no life outside her child!  We seem to never be balanced enough for people or ourselves!  We torture ourselves inside, agonizing over whether it's better to stay home with our children or go to work...and it never ends.  No one way is perfect or the "correct" choice.  Each mother has to make the choice that works for her family (and, lots of moms simply don't have a choice-they must work!).

My decision to go back to work is mostly out of necessity but a part of me sorta kinda wants to go back to work.  It won't be easy, I am sure of it and if in the future my family had a wonderful opportunity that afforded me the chance to stay home with Mav again-yes, I would do it in a heartbeat!  Right now I am just trying to talk myself out of the guilt I feel for kinda wanting to go back to work, for desiring more adult interaction and a new daily rhythm.  I think it's ok to admit feeling stifled, lonely and bored as a stay-at-home mama!  It's not easy and feeling this way does not diminish the love you have for your baby by any means!  I love my Mister Boy more than I could ever explain.  I have been so lucky to watch him grow just a little more each day.

I may just be ready to add working mama to my list of things I do.  I am slowly becoming ok with the possibility of this change and trying not to feel too guilty about it.  Of course, I will worry.  And I will hold my baby extra long until the day comes that I go back to work.

♥

Any mom's out there, please share your thoughts on this subject...I completely respect and value working and stay-at-home moms and would love to hear how you balance it all!Any tips or advice welcome as well!