First of all, I want to say that this is by no means a post about judging those mama's who didn't or couldn't breastfeed-each woman does what's right for her and her family. And now that I have an understanding of the complexities of breastfeeding, I never judge women who could not sustain their breastfeeding relationship for whatever reason. It's very hard and what I have seen is that a lot of women don't have the support they need to continue. So, no judgement here.
Before having Maverick I was already committed to breastfeeding, reading everything I could on the subject. I felt that it would be as simple as ABC (I think most women do, it's "natural" right!?!). But the reality is that even though our bodies are meant to nourish our babes in this way, we have no solid role models on how to do it & have lost touch with this extraordinary act. I was fortunate to have a mom who breastfed and supported me with advice and encouragement. I also had a midwife and nurse who were both lactation pros. And, my husband's support was crucial! These were the first steps to creating a successful breastfeeding relationship. You must be supported!
After Maverick was born I set to breastfeeding and he was sucking the minute he was out of the womb. My midwife showed me what to do and gave me warm encouragement. But even with all the love, after you give birth you are an emotional wreck and when my milk came in I was blessed (or semi-cursed?) with a huge supply! That and learning how to get Mav to latch correctly, dealing with the cluster feedings between 4pm and 8pm and relieving the engorgement was enough to make me mentally and physically drained. I was feeling hopeless, confused, alone and stripped of all confidence. Even with the support, what was hard for me was not being able to see if my baby was actually getting food. I struggled with believing in my bodies ability to nurse. I also struggled with a big oversupply and mega fast let-down, which left Maverick choking and gagging. This in turn left me feeling awful, like I was torturing him.
The realities of breastfeeding a newborn left me in tears almost everyday. The round the clock feedings left me feeling isolated. And I was my worst critic, doubting everything I did. When I went to a support group I realized that it wasn't just hard for me and that I was not alone. Breastfeeding support groups are amazing and valuable tools for all breastfeeding moms. Go to one early and it can save/help your breastfeeding journey early and set you on the right path.
I reached deep within myself for courage in those early days and vowed to stick with it, through thick and thin. Some days I wanted to give up and was so ashamed just thinking about it. But, little by little each day got better. Not only was I learning, but so was Maverick. Other moms kept telling me to stick with it, your supply would even out and things would get easier.
For the next three months I battled through several clogged milk ducts (probably due to stress, fatigue and an abundant supply) and what seemed like constant engorgement. Slowly, Mav seemed to get used to my fast let-down but still spit up a lot. I also started to gain slivers of confidence after each baby check up because Mav was gaining weight well. It made me feel so wonderful to know that his chubby thighs were coming from me! And I was taking big steps when going out in public, becoming better at breastfeeding on the go. For me, it probably took about 4 solid months to feel confident and proud of my breastfeeding abilities. Now, it is second nature and so easy. One day it just all clicks (all you breastfeeding mama's know what I mean) and all of the tears seem like a distant memory.
Now I can breastfeed with my eyes closed (literally, while I snooze at night) and Maverick latches on completely on his own now. My supply finally did level out at around 4 and half months but I still have to make sure I drink plenty of water and not wear tight clothing because I am still prone to clogged milk ducts. Speaking of clogged ducts, that was one of the worst feelings when I got one! They were so stressful and semi-painful. They made me completely bonkers and angry-I just wanted easiness already!
Now, I truly love breastfeeding my little guy and savor the warmth and quiet of nourishing him. It is so special to be able to feed him with my body and it has helped me heal both physically and emotionally after childbirth. I look back now and view the challenges I faced as yet another huge transformative part of pregnancy & birth that isn't really understood until you are in it. Even in my darkest moments, I knew that what I was trying to do was powerful, loving and right for my child. I had set a goal of one year before I had Maverick and now have decided to let go of predetermined ideas and just let Maverick breastfeed for as long as he needs to. I am proud of the hard work I have done and am filled with so much happiness when I feel Maverick's chunky legs and belly!
So, if you are a new mom struggling with breastfeeding, stick with it...it really does get better and the payoff is huge. If you are a soon-to-be mama, don't get discouraged or fearful-breastfeeding brings its own sets of challenges for each mom, but it isn't impossible to get through them. And, some very lucky mom's have very few issues. My best advice? SUPPORT! Surround yourself with supportive people. And don't doubt your bodies amazing gifts. Trust in yourself, in your baby and in your body. The sooner you get help with very big issues, the better chance you & your baby have of continuing breastfeeding. Oh, and this book was a lifesaver:
My breastfeeding journey is far from over and I'm sure more challenges will pop up-like adjusting to new teeth and solid foods. But I am very happy to report that I am in a very positive place right now. I'd love to hear your breastfeeding story!
Here are a few great blogs/sites that encourage breastfeeding:
Lots of love, B
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